Thanks

who are you,little i

(five of six years old)
peering from some high

window;at the gold

of November sunset

(and feeling:that if day
has to become night

this is a beautiful way)

– e.e cummings

.

Korea doesn’t really do Thanksgiving, but I just can’t avoid catching the spirit of the season. It seems inevitable to think about the things in my life that deserve thanks around this time of year. So vaguely and as briefly as possible:

1) Experiences gained while studying/travelling/living abroad–

Being abroad always gives me perspective. I see parts of myself more clearly when I’m away from home. I have yet to decide whether or not that’s a good thing because, at times, those parts are not all that impressive, and sometimes they’re just terrible. But there is something about being stripped of familiar faces and comfortable situations that causes things to shift and surface. Even now, years later, I can still see the ways in which Hungary has changed me. So how much more will Korea? There are good things happening for me here.

2) Unexpected and surprising relationships (and all the blessings that come with them)–

This really needs no explanation. Everyone always says they are thankful for friends, so it’s not particularly original either. But it must be said. I always feel quite lucky because no matter where I go, I end up befriending really decent people. I have really different types of friends and why they’re all willing to put up with me and my ridiculousness? I’ll never know. I don’t think it has much to do with being particularly friendly or likable. I think it’s just grace and good luck.

3) Simple moments and small victories–

Lately, I’ve been rejoicing in simple moments and small victories. Sharing snacks with students I happen to pass on the street. Eating ice cream on a hot day, drinking coffee on a cold one. Walking down the street and kicking up autumn leaves. Dancing wildly in my apartment while I procrastinate cleaning. Sharing comfortable moments with new friends, and brief, poignant conversations with old ones. Reading on the metro. Eating good food. Living here alone and constantly trying to figure out what it means to be a teacher has been rough on me, and it’s these little, unimpressive moments that sustain me.

It’s those times when I’m surrounded by new friends and I think back to May when I didn’t really have any at all. It’s talking to old friends and feeling such closeness in the face of great distance. It’s seeing 성민 change from one of the worst, most inattentive students to one of the students I really love teaching. It’s being surrounded and greeted by students while walking through the halls. It’s feeling my spirit revive and renew and grow. It’s placing these small things next to all the discouragement and the frustration and the confusion… and feeling calm. And feeling clarity. And feeling that even though I am a creature of scattered thoughts and irrational neuroses, there is hope for me yet.

I am geek.

I accept it. I embrace it. To be honest, I kind of love it.

Oh hey there, 2011.

The Old Year’s gone away
To nothingness and night:
We cannot find him all the day
Nor hear him in the night…

It doesn’t seem like a new year or a new decade or a new anything, really. But it is and that’s the weirdest part. Things are changing and I can never seem to keep up. Whether I like it or not, this next year is going to be vastly different and I’m not sure if I’ll survive. I know that 2011 is going to be a testy one, but to be honest, I can’t really grasp the weight of all these changes.

When I force myself to look into the future at the year standing before me, I glimpse these drastic polarized emotions. Intense sadness, overwhelming joy, blind anger, gripping anticipation, paralyzing fear– all the things I know will be waiting for me in this new year.

But for now, I can’t feel it at all. For now, my mind just keeps on like nothing has changed, like this isn’t the beginning of my ventures into a whole new abyss. It doesn’t seem real. I’m still gripping tightly to all the goodness in 2010 while trying to dismiss all the badness the comes dragging along. I know 2011 is new and unblemished and all of that, but I don’t know if I really see that yet.

Sometimes I have trouble letting go, even when I know I must. 2011, please bring me clarity and peace. Help me put your predecessors back into place so I can greet you properly with bold hope and courageous strength. And please, whatever you do, please don’t pwn me.

To the new year and many epic days ahead!

What would Zoltan do?

I know that I’m not Hungarian and that spending 6 months in a country certainly does not make you part of it, but I still can’t help but feel emotionally attached– even now.

When people belittle or insult it, I become angry and insanely defensive. When they compliment it, I share their praises. When I see things that remind me of it, I can’t help but smile. It was only 6 months, but there are so many memories attached to this one place. Some that are slowly fading, others so permanent that they’ve become part of me. Fond memories to cling to, less spectacular ones that I leave to be forgotten.

The sad reality of things is that I will probably not return to Hungary. Not for a long time, at least.

It’s difficult for me to describe. It’s like, a part of me wants to repay it for my adventures and experiences. Like I owe it some sort of allegiance… allegiance, which I happily and freely give. I know I have no legitimate claim or connection to the country or its people, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling this strong, personal attachment.

Good Question

The worst part about unemployment is my 4-year-old nephew, Matthew.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the little punk. Since he and his mom have been living here, my pit of despair doesn’t seem quite so boring. Between constructing increasingly complicated train tracks, being defeated by a miniature Iron Man half my size, and learning the strange names of all the characters in Cars, I’d say my schedule is pretty full. And hey, it minimizes that all too familiar familial tension. Apparently even my stepfather realizes it’s a bad idea to fight in front of a 4-year-old.

But even so, I have to repeat it. The worst part about unemployment is Matthew.