Let’s keep it together (Can we keep it together?)

I think this week was something of a trial-run for spring quarter. Oh, what a trial it was!

I tried to write it all down. In retrospect, it was shameful and pathetic. So I deleted it. There wasn’t much. Basically just me freaking out, thinking too much, pulling all-nighters constantly, reading vigorously for literature classes while neglecting communication classes, and getting majorly pwned because I can’t seem to keep it together.

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I spent most of my COCU100 and COSF140b classes drawing that on Tuesday. I don’t think I have the mental capacity to withstand my upper-division lit/writing classes and still devote myself fully to learning about the dullness of visual culture and European media systems. Worst double major EVER. I have obvious preferences. Oh well. You can hardly blame me.

This week has been horribly stressful, particularly around Tuesday. And it’s odd because it fluctuates so much. I’m perfectly happy now, but I suspect much of that has to do with the fact that Granger paid me a minute, insignificant blip of a compliment. And I swear, nothing has made me this happy all week. I was beaming for the rest of the day.

While it’s completely encouraging and unbelievably satisfying, I hate that I am capable of changing directions so easily. There’s a fair chance that none of this really makes sense if you’re not in my position, or if you’re not a writing major, or if you’re not absolutely insane (as I clearly am). For that, I apologize. It’s hard to explain, and I don’t know if anyone really cares for the explanation.

I think it’s just a little terrifying that a tiny comment from a crazy old man can move me to happiness. Or that anything anyone else does or thinks or says to me can shift my entire world. I live and die by someone else’s hands. It’s horrifying, really. What little control I have over myself!

I don’t know how to put this. I hate writing about myself. I hate being humbled. Slight movements and fleeting words affect me like disasters. I take everything personally and painfully. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I mean, who am I allowing to define me? Who am I placing my faith in? My truthful, truthful answer is neither noble or right. Sometimes I don’t think I know myself at all. Seriously…I am being humbled.

And it seems I have a lot to learn.

The Lord your God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

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About Booki
"Somewhere man must know that self-perception is the most frightening of all human observations. He must know that when a man faces himself, he is looking into an abyss."

One Response to Let’s keep it together (Can we keep it together?)

  1. Grace Lee says:

    Oh, Booki! I pray that your upcoming week will be wonderful and you are having a restful weekend! :)

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