We are creatures of emotion.

Eggs

I don’t remember when it was, but Casey and I were talking about all-nighters one day. He was telling me (in a manner that was entirely unique and completely Casey) that he had not pulled an all-nighter for years. I couldn’t help but think of the previous night and the present morning, the way they blended together in a flurry of sweetened coffee and breaking light.

There have been so many mornings, quiet and haunting. Freshman year, I used to sit in the cramped space of our “nerd box,” facing east and watching a strange glow spread across the face of AP&M. It’s not really as great or as epic as you would imagine it to be. But after staying up all night, I always felt like I needed some sort of reward. Reciprocity, you know. I stayed up all night so I could watch the sun rise. Yeah, except not.

It’s so weird now because I don’t even do that anymore. It’s become such a constant. I’ve seen those sunrises, and they’ve lost their thrill. At least, the view from the inside of a building has. I think there should be one day when I stay up without having anything to do and actually go outside to watch the sun rise. That would be a departure from my horrible norms. I keep forgetting why I even started to write anything. I guess that’s what happens when you write things late at night (or is it early in the morning?). Whatever. The point is, I stay up so late that nothing really surprises me about all-nighters anymore.

I’m so unaffected, it’s frightening.

That isn’t to say that I don’t feel the effects. Despite what many have claimed (cough), I am not a robot. My body probably hates me, and it tells me every so often. Sometimes I’m so out of it that I bump into people. I fell asleep on the bus once and my water bottle leaked all over my pants. It was a double shot of weariness and humiliation, but what else is new? On top of that, I’ve developed a coffee addiction I never thought I would ever fall prey to, and I’m pretty sure I’m losing years off my life.

But it doesn’t shock me anymore. Nothing really shocks me anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is how I can be so nonchalant about my unhealthy lack of sleep, but so high strung over each and every assignment. I freak out sometimes. I mean, logically, shouldn’t it be all or nothing? Shouldn’t that indifference towards my twisted schedule carry over into an equally apathetic approach towards the reason why I have that schedule? I just think it makes more sense. If pulling an all-nighter doesn’t shake me, neither should the things that fuel those all-nighters.

I always think of myself as logical. I am intelligent and focused and rational.

By all reasonable means, I should be as chill about all the ridiculous crazy things that keep me up late as I am about actually staying up late. Does that even make sense? I can barely follow my own thought process. To ask anyone else to attempt such insanity would be cruel. I can’t even remember my point. I can’t even remember if I had one at the very beginning of it anyway. Hm. So, I think I let the wrong things sway me. Logically, I should have control over that. It makes sense. But that isn’t the case, and so I guess there’s nothing to conclude except to realize that I’m really not as rational as I thought.

Perhaps we are not creatures of logic or sanity or calm. We are creatures of emotion, wild and passionate and unbearable. And I guess that’s it. It is what it is, we are what we are. So let’s just leave it at that.

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About Booki
"Somewhere man must know that self-perception is the most frightening of all human observations. He must know that when a man faces himself, he is looking into an abyss."

One Response to We are creatures of emotion.

  1. caseyucsd says:

    Haha Booki, what is a manner so uniquely mine?
    Well anyways, at least future quarters will be easier, and this one is kinda almost over.

    1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

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