Resolution

Once, when I was seven or eight, my mother said to me, as we sat on the last seat but one on the bus to the clinic, or the shoe shop, that while it was true that books could change with the years just as much as people could, the difference was that whereas people would always drop you when they could no longer get any advantage or pleasure or interest or at least a good feeling from you, a book would never abandon you. Naturally you sometimes dropped them, maybe for several years, or even forever.

But they, even if you betrayed them, would never turn their backs on you: they would go on waiting for you silently and humbly on their shelf. They would wait for ten years. They wouldn’t complain. One night, when you suddenly needed a book, even at three in the morning, even if it was a book you had abandoned and erased from your heart for years and years, it would never disappoint you, it would come down from its shelf and keep you company in your moment of need. It would not try to get its own back or make excuses or ask itself if it was worth its while or if you deserved it or if you still suited each other, it would come at once as soon as you asked.

A book would never let you down.

— Amos Oz, A Tale of Love and Darkness

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Oh hey there, 2011.

The Old Year’s gone away
To nothingness and night:
We cannot find him all the day
Nor hear him in the night…

It doesn’t seem like a new year or a new decade or a new anything, really. But it is and that’s the weirdest part. Things are changing and I can never seem to keep up. Whether I like it or not, this next year is going to be vastly different and I’m not sure if I’ll survive. I know that 2011 is going to be a testy one, but to be honest, I can’t really grasp the weight of all these changes.

When I force myself to look into the future at the year standing before me, I glimpse these drastic polarized emotions. Intense sadness, overwhelming joy, blind anger, gripping anticipation, paralyzing fear– all the things I know will be waiting for me in this new year.

But for now, I can’t feel it at all. For now, my mind just keeps on like nothing has changed, like this isn’t the beginning of my ventures into a whole new abyss. It doesn’t seem real. I’m still gripping tightly to all the goodness in 2010 while trying to dismiss all the badness the comes dragging along. I know 2011 is new and unblemished and all of that, but I don’t know if I really see that yet.

Sometimes I have trouble letting go, even when I know¬†I must. 2011, please bring me clarity and peace. Help me put your predecessors back into place so I can greet you properly with bold hope and courageous strength. And please, whatever you do, please don’t pwn me.

To the new year and many epic days ahead!